Now I Have a Story to Tell

 A biblical perspective of Christian dating

(This is a general version, designed to be suitable for those who are already attached and also for those who are still single)
For comments, suggestions, reporting typo or grammatical errors : please email stevenhalim at gmail.com

First version written on: 01 Feb 2005.
Last updated on: 07 Aug 2008.

Motivation

Let's go back to the beginnings...

Normally, (almost) every man needs a suitable helper. Genesis 2:18: The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.". That was what God actually did, He created woman from man, from his ribs, to be a suitable partner for him. If we look further, in another section of the Bible, we found: Proverbs 18:22: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

My friends, when you read my personal reflection on Christian dating relationship below, I pray that my story can be a blessing for everyone: singles, already attached, or even, already married... God bless.

If I am still single: I will Kissed Dating Goodbye...

To all my friends who are still in singleness (fyi, at the moment, I'm still single too).

Friends, when you are still single and there is no sign at all that you will change your status sometime soon, you can argue that there exist man/woman who has the gift of celibacy (state of being unmarried), for example: Jesus himself didn't marry anyone (except married to His church, His bride, but it is just as a metaphor). Paul, the great apostle, also unmarried...

However, facts conclude usually man/woman doesn't have this gift of celibacy, thus Paul wrote this verse: 1 Cor 7:8-9: Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (Read the whole 1 Cor 7:1-40 for more details). I don't mean to say that "marriage is for this purpose of controlling ourselves", no, you got this wrong... I quote the verses above to challenge those who are still single to consider the following facts that I'm about to tell...

There exist a lot of possible temptations to sin for those who doesn't have the gift of celibacy, especially for men (I'm not a woman so I can't tell much about woman's side, they will have their own version on this issue...)

Men’s eyes are usually their weakest point in this issue (sexual immorality) (1 Cor 6:12-20). There are also a lot of warnings against adultery in Proverbs (skim through Proverbs and you’ll find several pointers regarding this issue). I also encounter facts that some of those who are single are actually living an ineffective life plus doing a list of not-good stuffs because they feel they are "incomplete"…

My friends, try to do self introspection now... Since you are born until this day, have you ever fall into these kind of temptations? Do you live an ineffective live and keep asking "who is my rib?/I'm whose rib?", "when he/she will come?", etc... If after your introspection, you found that you are very weak in this area... don't be sad... almost everyone has encountered this kind of situation... I didn't say that once you got a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, all these temptations will be gone forever... no..., what I can say is that, you and your partner can help each other to overcome them...

Friends, God wants each of us (single or those who already attached/married) to be faithful to Him, serve Him, and live our life to the fullest. Rome 12:1: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship, .

We often feel less worthy (incomplete) as a single. Symptoms: desperate, daily lamentations... Don't you realize that each of us is complete in Him, Matthew 6:33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Rather than doing daily lamentations, make the most of your singleness!

My friends who are still single, I have a list of good articles on how to live life to the fullest. Click on the following links to view them, they are all written by my friend Grace Suryani =) (www.glorianet.org) [High Quality Jomblo], [Be a Real Woman], [Mau Jadi Cantik Ah!], [Inikah Namanya Cinta?!], [Hidup tanpa Cinta], [Ketika Impian Sirna], [Proyek: “Demi Masa Depan”], [Keping-keping Hati], [Girls Only], etc.

You will find it interesting to read a very good book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", which taught us to leave behind the world's lifestyle of dating. The title of the last chapter of that book is "Someday I will have a story tell". I prayed that someday, you, my friends, who are still single at the moment you read this, will be able to write your own story, love story, that you are proud to tell. :)

If I am in a relationship, when Boy meets Girl...

Friends, before we discuss anything about relationship, I would like to share with you some pointers in the Bible on what Bible said about the two sides in a good relationship: a Godly man (husband) and Godly woman (wife)...

I'll start from man's point of view first (yeah, I should know this better compared to the woman side, but unfortunately for man, there is no specific passage compared to woman's Proverbs 31:10-31). Nevertheless, these are some characteristic that a Godly man (husband) should possess:

1. First of all, he should be faithful to God (his devotion, his ministry, etc). Faithful, is a very rare characteristic, even we have a very challenging verse in the Bible: Proverbs 20:6: Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?. In my humble opinion, Christian ladies should look for man with this characteristic rather than his other characteristics... They should consider his 2nd/3rd/... characteristic only after this guy passed the 1st one excellently. Just to remind you, not all Christian are "Christian"... Many Christian guys (and ladies too) are not a wholehearted believer... You may need to think twice for this issue.

2. He should love and protect (but not possessive, guys please be careful!!!) his "precious gift from God", his girlfriend (his wife-to-be, if they decide to marry each other in the future), his wife (if they already married), including his family (to his parents/parents in law, and to their children, if any). (Colossians 3:19,21, Ephesians 5:22-33). This will include many things especially on this issue: working hard for his family…

Now, woman's side :)... Compared to man, there exists a special passage for the characteristic of Godly Christian woman, it is in Proverbs 31:10-31, but please read them in context!!!, the main focus is in Proverbs 31:30. In summary, I (as a man), expect Godly Christian woman to have these kind of characteristics. PS: Girls, if you don't agree... please complain to me via email or via other means. :)

1. She is submissive to her husband, but the ranking is as follows: God is number 1, her husband is number 2, and herself, her desires, her hobbies, etc, are number 3 onwards… (Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:22-33). The world, obviously, didn’t teach this. What they said is woman and man should be equal (emancipation). I don't mean to say emancipation is wrong, but there exist some circumstances where ladies should be submissive to her husband... To what extent? I think this should be discussed with her boyfriend/husband... The level of submissiveness of course differs when they are still dating versus when they are already married...

2. She kept her heart pure until the right one (Soldier of Christ) comes, because it is her heart, herself, which is the greatest gift that she can offer to one and only one husband. Thus, I really really disagree with the world style of into short-term dating lifestyle (trial and error style)… Please refer to a very nice article on this issue: [Keping-keping Hati]. I quote the last sentence of that article here (in Indonesian): "Bertempurlah dengan setia, dan kelak Tuan kita yang melihat semua kesetiaanmu, semua jerih lelahmu akan memandang kau layak untuk menerima kehormatan yang lebih besar. Ia akan memberikan tanggung jawab yang lebih besar kepadamu, memiliki dan merawat harta milik-Nya, hatiku."

3. She admitted that she is just an ordinary woman but willing to use whatever uniqueness she has to complement and be the best helper for her husband (Girls, please remember Genesis 2:18, the main purpose God created woman, a suitable helper - "penolong yang sepadan" in Indonesian, and not be annoyance to those whom she should help - "perongrong yang seharusnya ditolong..."). This is a privilege that is often mistakenly thought by (almost every) people in the world. They thought men are 1^st class, women are 2^nd class... This is wrong...

4. Finally... She makes her husband keep praising God every time he sees her, because she is faithful, a good wife and a loving mother (for family with children)...

These are all the highest standard of Godly Christian man and woman... the question now: "Do I have that kind of characteristic?", "Does he/she have that kind of characteristic?", "Can I be like that?"... Difficult questions... But I hope what I've written above can be your source of inspiration to be more like what Bible said regarding man and woman :).

For what should we do during a relationship?, What should we do during conflicts? etc... I still can't answer with full confidence... as I am (we are - I'm referring to my girlfriend) learning this too :), thus I decide to put them as appendix only... Please read them with caution. :)

Until that day: Wedding day, when we will exchange vows: "Till Death Do Us Part"…

Friends, what I wrote in this section is not purely about marriage, as I'm not married yet --!...
I wrote this especially for those who are in a relationship and for those who are in a marriage...

The first Biblical message that I want to share to you in this section is that... Your current partner (if you are in a relationship now), or even your husband/wife (if you already married), is NOT yours. As we all have known, life is so fragile and God can call us (or our partner) back anytime. Your plan, your dream, can be shattered in a second... Refer to Luke 12:13-21, Parable of Rich Fool.

Thus, it is better to be faithful to God rather than worrying about tomorrow. He knows tomorrow, let us hold His hands...

The second Biblical message is for those who have already committed themselves to a level of marriage. Jesus himself said in Matthew 19:6: So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. This passage tells all, I hope all married Christian couples throughout the world can be faithful to God, to each other... until death separates them. :)

Please read: [Sampai Maut Memisahkan Kita]

References:

1. Bible :)

2. My subjective statements...

3. Some input from friends and seniors.

4. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris

5. Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris

6. The Secret of Loving, Josh McDowell

7. COMPULSORY READING: Grace Suryani's articles related to relationship: http://www.glorianet.org/grace/arsip.html

To all readers of this page, good luck in your relationship. I hope your relationship can be a blessing to others :). God bless you all.

Appendix

Some mistakes in a relationship:

1. We are possessive to our (candidate) life partner. Biblically: set your eyes on Him and surely your (candidate) life partner will love/honor/respect/etc you more.

2. We are dating for fun or to show others that we are worthy. Biblically: Healthy Christian dating complements each other to serve Him more.

3. Our (candidate) life partner is not balanced compared to us. Biblically: 2 Cor 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”. (In my opinion, this verse doesn't refer to difference in religion only, but talks about unbalanced level of faith / maturity too.

4. We are too scared of break-ups that we hide our weaknesses or our problems (same thing for the other side), or that we pretend that those problems will not affect our future marriage (if at the end we decide to go on). There will be problems in every relationship. Some are tolerable (you give-in), some are not... when those fundamental problems can't be resolved and you have thought and prayed for it carefully, it may be wiser, for both of you, to not continuing the relationship. It will be hard, painful, heart-breaking, but still, the option that will glorify God more...

What to do in a relationship (especially early phase):

1. Try to communicate well, try to get to know each other better (each own expectation). Read books on good communication skill (purposeful conversations). Man and woman think very differently...

2. Get to know his/her parents and family

3. Get to know his/her friends

4. Maintain purity for marriage

5. Do spiritual activities together, such as: quiet time, bible study, attend Christian events together, etc

6. Prepare (not avoid) for future conflicts! And if they come, try to resolve the conflict together...

7. In conclusion, let your (new) relationship be a good testimony for others that God is part of your relationship.