Not my will, but Yours be done...

Written: 10 September 2005

The saddening fact...
I should admit that both of us are very sad when we decided to take this decision... It is even harder to accept that we have made that decision... It happened about one month ago prior to the writing of this article, and last month have been a roller coaster moments in my life. I was in a very saddening situation, but at the same time I should go to Europe for conference and holiday... But thanks to God, He allow all these things to happen so that both of us as well as the other around us learn something...

Last month, after evaluating our relationship so far..., we decide that we should part for the good of both... It is not because of silly reason, but rather to the incompatibility of our visions, characters, and in many of the X factors... I'm unable to reveal the complete reason but one thing is clear... It is more likely that we are not compatible even though at that time we do love each other and seriously looking for the possibility of marriage...

Now both of us are back to singleness again... And as anybody else who have just encountered break-ups... We should keep distance between each other until the feeling that we have towards each other are neutralized... It is still a bit awkward when we accidentally met each other these days, but I hope we don't need to endure this 'post break-up' process for too long...

This was an ending that have brought not only our tears, but also those who are close to us, those who supported our relationship... It have brought surprises to many who thought that we were cruising on a steady boat... In fact, we were in the middle of storm in the past two months...

It may seems silly that someone who have read so many relationship books, have written so many relationship articles in his website, has a girlfriend but at the end must let her go... What will be the relevance of his writings? Isn't all of them are meaningless now...? Is it better for him to delete all the writings from his website?

That someone don't think so... That someone is still writing now... His world is shaken, but not totally shattered, and both of us are recovering now... Thanks to God, her supports, and the fact that we break up amicably...

Through all of these...
I learned more about the purpose of courtship and the meaning of my will versus His will...

A successful courtship...
If the definition of courtship is to find the possibility of marriage, then our courtship can be considered as a successful one. Even though the answer is not what we want... The answer is: "no, we are unlikely to be united in marriage".

During the whole process, I'm learning more about myself and about what I actually want. I've changed and have transformed to (at least) a slightly better person than before...

I am learning more about myself from her perspectives and vice versa. When two people are just friends, they cannot evaluate the other person beyond what they explicitly show in their daily activities. But as a couple, two people can evaluate things that can't be done in the level of just friendship.

For example, I now learn that I (the bad ones, I don't reveal the good ones as they are easier to find)
... am too logical / systematic and not feeler... And these feelings are often required to relate with the opposite gender...
... lack the ability to empathize with those who are less fortunate than me, and need to build up this skill.
... was often talking using high level knowledge (maybe because of my education level at the moment).
... was a good listener (at least I'm patient enough to listen) but not a good advisor as the advices are often seems discouraging...
... not a romantic person at all (I thought I was...)
... am insensitive to the need of others implicitly, including the needs of those who are close to me... However I will do my best to supply that needs if that person explicitly told me what are his/her needs...
... etc...

These are the areas that either I must try to improve or the next one (hopefully the final one) should be tolerable enough to accept...

I also learned more that on top of the qualities that I found in her before our relationship, I have certain values that are harder to be changed. Therefore in the future, when I'm looking for the one, I know what I actually needs (see the next article about my prayer)...

Throughout the process, I think I have changed to a slightly better person. However, while some bad habits can be fixed, I learned that I cannot be what I'm not... And when the character differences are beyond the tolerance limit, it may be wiser to part...

My will versus His will...
Throughout this saddening event, He reminded me that His will is not my will. I may have overlooked this in the past and too often "confirming" what are going to happen the future, forgetting that future is not in human's hands... At that time, I thought that my pilgrimage in finding the one was over... I "forgot" to always include Him in my plans... For that... I'm sorry God...

Best wishes...
Now that it's over... the best thing that I can do now for the girl who was once very important to me is to support her as friend...

I still felt blessed to be able to know her in depth for roughly half year and I don't regret that we are allowed to met and court each other... I hope that she will always feel the same... I wished her good luck for her future journey... our path will be different but at least there exist someone who will be supportive for her to achieve her vision... at least Jesus himself and myself (albeit not in a direct manner)...

"someone said that if at least there exist someone who care about you, then life is not a waste... so when everything goes terribly wrong and you feel like giving up... just remember that I and Jesus care."

What now?
To be able to move on...
We should make sure that "what is past is past" and "what is past is prologue (for the next one)"...

I don't know what will happen in the future...
But I will always praise God for whatever I (will) encounter in my life...

To love is to sacrifice, even though the taste of sacrifice is bitter...
Farewell...

References:
When it is over - Grace Suryani