The Changes

Idea conceived: 05 April 2005.
Translated to English with some additions: 11 April 2005.
Last modified: 07 Aug 2008
For comments, suggestions, reporting typo or grammatical errors : please email stevenhalim at gmail.com

Prologue

Maybe some of you have a thought like this: "why does he always think about this stuffs (relationship), when will he do his research?". If you have enrolled in Graduate school before, you'll know that this is a typical Graduate student behavior. Their working hour is so flexible that sometimes during daytime when they are stuck, they will use their brain power for doing something else. For me, I channeled my brain power for doing some writings (trying to improve my writing skill). So far, this has not really affect my school and research.

My writings so far are about relationship. Normally, people who just started a relationship will usually think more about their relationship. In the middle of their relationship period, maybe they will think that being in a relationship is just a 'normal' thing. Finally, nearing the end of their relationship period, either towards marriage or towards break-up (hopefully not this one), the couples will start to think more in depth of the many possibilities that will make or break their relationship.

The Changes

Anyway, let's start :). This time, I want to engage the reader (single or attached), about things that changes before and after starting a new relationship. For those who are still single, these things are the things that will probably happen to you and your partner. For those who are attached, lets cross check whether what I've written here are similar with your experience. If you happen to disagree with whatever I've written here, you can always contact me (via email) for further discussion.

I purposely wrote 7 points (no more, no less), because I like number seven :p. Maybe there are several other changes, but I will reserve them for future articles :).

Changes no 1: Your opinion about 'Time'.

The first obvious change is my opinion about time. The percentage given of course is not absolute, but they only serve as an illustration to show you, "what" have changed :)

Before relationship, a Christian man's possible time allocation are as follows:
-. with God (quiet time, pray, Sunday service, Youth fellowship, etc), 10%... still not 'large' enough
-. with friends (chat, interact with cell group members or close friends, etc), 20%.
-. with colleagues and supervisor, discussing projects, etc, 20%
-. with parents, 5% => It seems that I seldom contact my parents to say hello, etc...
-. with yourself (sleep, eat, drink, bath, procrastinating, reading book, playing video game, etc)... 45%...

Now, after relationship, his time allocation are as follows (see the changes):
-. with God (quiet time, pray, Sunday service, Youth fellowship, etc), 11%... increase a bit :$
-. with her & her family (outing, visiting, chatting, sms-ing, thinking about her, etc), 30% => hm...
-. with friends (chat, interact with cell group members or close friends, etc), 10%. => decrease
-. with colleagues and supervisor, discussing projects, etc, 20% => you can't change this!
-. with parents, 5% => It seems that I seldom contact my parents to say hello, etc... => same here
-. with yourself (sleep, eat, drink, bath, reading book, etc)... 24%...  => decrease a lot, see... you can no longer procrastinating for too long, you must cut down playing hours, etc...

Very interesting... Time for yourself is severely affected, but this is a good sign :). I reckon that the biggest sacrifice for attached couple are their personal time. Regarding "time", these couples can do irrational things (from perspective of those who are single), example: Even though he is busy, he still spend time sms-ing, calling, escort his girlfriend home, etc. And vice versa.

For singles, if you still not ready to let go the majority of your personal / spare time for your (future) partner, maybe it is better to delay / re-test your motivation for starting a relationship. Your spare time will no longer be yours 100% in the future :p.

Changes no 2: Your opinion about 'Money'.

The second biggest change, which I personally observe clearly, is the view about money. Due to personal reasons, I don't want to reveal a detailed figures here, all the numbers written only serve as illustration. Nevertheless, the changes are as follows:

-. You will generally spend more..., because whenever you spend time together for outings, watching movies, having dinner together, etc, you will incur additional overheads. For guys, you will generally spend more than your girlfriend because you are the one who should treat your girlfriend (in Asian culture).
-. You will try to reduce your expenditure in other areas... Because you know that you must do that in order to make your account 'balance'... This is just a simple example: When you are single, you always eat 4$/lunch/dinner (3$ food + 1$ drink), Now, try to pick a cheaper menu: 2.5$/lunch/dinner (without drink, try to have drink from free dispensers around campus etc). With this trick, you can save up to 3/4$ per day just from changing your eating habit. If you multiply it with 30 days, you can save up to 100$/month. It is roughly enough to have 4-5 outings with your girlfriend without severely affecting your account :).
-. Your view regarding money for future will also change. I started to think about savings, insurances, financial planning, pay rise, etc... Logically, it is not appropriate to start a family if you only have 0$ saving and haven't start working yet --! So for those who are still single but not yet have a fixed income, please think more regarding this issue before starting your relationship / (future) family.

Changes no 3: Your opinion about 'Future'.

When one is still single, he/she won't think much about 'future family', because at that moment, he/she don't even have girlfriend/boyfriend yet. But for those in a relationship, those thoughts will start to invade his/her mind. I reckon that these kind of thoughts should be discussed with your boyfriend/girlfriend, step by step :).

A simple example of this 'future thoughts':
For my Indonesian friend who are currently studying/working in Singapore, think about this question: "after finishing our 3-years work bond in Singapore, do you want to go on working in Singapore or return to Indonesia?" The answer of this question will seriously effect our future.

Changes no 4: Your relationships with friends of the same gender.

For male, his friends of the same gender refers to male friends :). The major change is in their conversation topic. Previously, the most common issues asked are: "who is the girl that you like?", "are you trying to get to know this girl?", "or that one?", "when are you going to say that you like her?", etc. Now, those sentences change. The topic is not about "who", but about "what" did both of you have or have not done. Examples: "what did you do during last valentine day?", "did you have quarrel with her yet?". In general, among other guys who are already in a relationship too, our conversation topic sometimes revolves around tips on surviving a relationship, while with the other guys who are singles, our conversation topics revolves around tips regarding relationship, example: how to choose girlfriend... etc

Changes no 5: Your relationships with friends of the opposite gender.

This one is a bit complicated :$. I'll write this from my point of view. For myself, I must admit that I am the type of guy who can be close (but not emotionally close) to (several) girls. Therefore, I have set a 'unique' rule to myself if someday I am attached.

The rule is: when I'm attached... I will call any older girls that are close to me as 'cici' (older sister). Any younger girls that are close to me, by default I will call them 'dede' (younger sister). This is my way to prevent myself for having 'strange' feelings towards other girls. Some of my female friends have scolded me because I call them with attribute: 'cici' or 'dede', some don't mind about this style. However, if there is no direct complain, I will call my female friends with that attributes :).

It is obvious that I must change my attitude towards my other female friends (in appropriate manner, of course), otherwise I will be branded as 'unfaithful'. I'm still close to them but I won't be as open (especially emotionally) as before.

Changes no 6: Your relationship with your family and his/her family.

With your own family, maybe your parents will start having 'secret' conversations regarding your  relationship issue, which was never discussed before when you were still single.

It is also obvious that he/she should get to know more and interact with her/him family. It is very important to have both family blessing for your relationship. Thus, try to get to know your girlfriend/boyfriend family and get their approval!

Changes no 7: Your relationship with him/her.

"Save the best for last". I purposely put this issue as the last one, number 7 :).

This change is also very obvious: your relationship with her/her. Before your relationship, what you knew about her/him are just superficial. If measured using (0%-100% scale, where 0% means doesn't know her/him at all and 100% means know her/him completely), your knowledge about her/him when you were not in relationship is very little (the figure varies, but let me say that my knowledge about her is around 20% to 30%).

From this little knowledge, you conclude that she/he may be 'the one', therefore with faith, you ask her to start relationship with me, and if she agrees, she accept your proposal.

My mother told me that before marriage, you need to know at least 70% about your future wife and you should be able to accept at least 60% out of that 70%. You won't know the remaining 30% until you finally be her husband and she becomes your wife. The remaining 30% can only be accepted via faith, while you need to work out to be comfortable with this 60-70% knowledge of her. Note that the figures written here is just an illustration. Your version may be different :).

In general, during relationship period, every couples are facing hard task to know more about his/her girlfriend/boyfriend. His/her vision/dreams/hopes/desires/needs/habits/hobbies/family/friends/jobs, and the most important thing: his/her bad stuffs... This is very important. Sometimes couples prevent their weakness to be known by their partner, but this is unhealthy. Let your partner know about your weakness and let him/her decide whether he/she can cope with it or help you improve... or... hiks... decide to end the relationship...

Relationship is not all about outings, watching movies together, dinner, everything for only two of us. The main purpose is to get to know each other better with a larger framework than just friendship, to help the couple in considering a much bigger decision: marriage. :).

Epilogue

The long article finally come to an end (I know that there are the 8th changes, the 9th changes, etc, but I stopped this writing at this point. If I have time, I'll add more). Hopefully this writing can reach out a wide audience around the world :).

I hope that through what you've read here can benefited you. For singles, you now know what will change, so that you can prepare better. For couples, hopefully some of what I've written here can help us fix some concepts that "may be wrong". Btw, I can be wrong too..., so please contact me if you disagree with some points in this writing. :).

Hopefully via this writing, God's name is glorified via the action of couples who fears the Lord and and don't follow the worldly style of dating. :)

Soli Deo Gloria

Singapore, 5 April 2005
Steven