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Boy Meets Girl
say hello to courtship

Joshua Harris

Disclaimer: This is just a summary of the book and not the whole content of it... Please go to any Christian book store, go to Boy-Girl-Relationship (BGR) section, and I'm quite sure you'll find this book... Buy it and read it! :)


This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called "woman"
for she was taken out of man.

Part One: Rethinking Romance

1. Boy meets girl
What I've learned since I kissed dating goodbye

The main point of I Kissed dating goodbye was: "If you're not ready for marriage, wait on romance, why not enjoy friendship with the opposite sex but use our energy as singles to serve God?"

"Boy meets girl" is to help you place God squarely in the middle of your love life, entrust your dreams of finding true love to His care.

2. Why dating versus courtship isn't the point
Getting past a debate over terms and back to what really matters

"Boy meets girl" is to help you place God squarely in the middle of your love life, entrust your dreams of finding true love to His care.

3. Romance and Wisdom: A match made in Heaven
Why you need more than just intense feelings

Three ways that wisdom leads and guides us into skillful romantic relationships:

  1. Romance says, "I want it now!", Wisdom urges patience

  2. Romance says, "Let feelings decide what happens.", Wisdom leads us to pursue a purposeful relationship.

  3. Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy.", Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.

4. Tell me how, tell me who, tell me when!
How God guides you to the right thing at the right time

In this chapter, we'll see a story of how God step by step unite a couple. Note these:

  1. God is interested in the journey, not only the destination.

  2. Don't over spiritualize decision making

  3. Our romanticized ideal of what we want in a spouse is often different from what God says matters

We should entrust our questions of How, Who and When into His tender care.

Part Two: The Season of Courtship

5. More than friends, less than lovers
How to grow and guard in friendship, fellowship, and romance

To treat each other with holiness and sincerity and to make an informed and wise decision about marriage.

6. What to do with your lips
Practical principles for great communication

The most important thing your lips can do is not kissing, but communicating.

Courtship is the time both to look for weak spots in your communication and to work to strengthen them. Our standard shouldn't be perfection, but consistent growth.

Five principles for authentic communication:

1. Communication problems are usually heart problems

our lips are merely the messengers of our heart. As we invite the Holy spirit to change our hearts, our speech will be characterized by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

2. Your ears are your most important communication tools

Be a listener, when you ask the other person a question, absorb the answer. Note not only the words used, but also how they are spoken. Ask follow-up questions. Care more about their opinions and ideas than your own. Listen twice as much as you talk.

3. Good communication doesn't happen by accident

Don't just plan activities, plan conversations. Before you get together, think about some of the questions you'd like to ask her. What do you want to discover? Be curious!

The book of "her"... as told to me may be a helpful to plan out your communication.

4. The absence of conflict doesn't equal good communication

Conflict is a sign that you're really getting to know each other. Our goal shouldn't be to avoid conflict, but to learn to work through it and resolve it in a way that honors God.

Ten tips for communication that can help you when you're experiencing conflict in your relationship:

  1. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly, but without accusing or attacking the other person (Proverbs 11:9)

  2. Choose words, expressions, and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle. Don't use speech that could easily offend or spark an argument (Proverbs 15:1)

  3. Don't exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth. Avoid extreme words like never and always (Ephesians 4:25)

  4. Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notes before you communicate. Stay away from generalities.

  5. Commit yourself to seeking solutions instead of airing your grievances. Getting even isn't the goal - you want to get things resolved (Romans 12:17-21)

  6. Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling, and needing. Try to detect his or her underlying concerns (James 1:19).

  7. Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal, or argument. Though these emotions are normal, indulging them is sin (Ephesians 4:26)

  8. Don't hesitate to acknowledge your own failure, and be quick to forgive the other person. Make sure you don't hold a grudge (Luke 17:3-4)

  9. Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure that you both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution. (Romans 14:19)

  10. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reasons!

5. Motive is more important than technique

Make sure the motive of our heart is pleasing to God. "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" (1 Corinthians 13:1)

Clear communication does not equal premature or inappropriate intimacy, guard your heart to make sure you don't promise or imply a deeper level of commitment or confidence in the relationship than you really have.

The only way to know and be known by another person is to communicate - openly, honestly, sincerely, & humbly.

7. If boys would be men, would girls be ladies?
How to embrace your God-give role as a man or woman

Eve was not taken out of Adams's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.

Guys, practice tender, servant leadership right now,
Girls, practice responsive support to godly men in your life today.

To be a godly men:

  1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.

    Leading (provide direction, suggest ideas, initiate conversation or activities) is a form of serving, you're serving your sisters. But remember, until you're a woman's husband, she is under no obligation to submit to your leadership!

  2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.

    Make your own personal growth in godliness a priority, then you'll be much more prepared to growth with your wives and children later.

  3. Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect.

    Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one. Remember, you're doing these things not merely to impress or to win a woman's heart. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.

    Note: Girls should assume that until a guy expresses interest, they're just friends.

  4. Encourage women to embrace godly femininity

Men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.

To be a godly women:

  1. In your relationships with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.

    Let men take the lead, and if he does lead, let him know you appreciate it.

  2. Be a sister to the men in your life

  3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is noble and fulfilling calling

  4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life

    Such as dressing modestly.

If you're a man, God mad you a man for His glory.

If you're a woman, God mad you a woman for His glory.

If boys would be men, would girls be ladies?

We can answer that question only if we strike out together on the adventure of obeying God's word

8. Courtship is a community project
How to gain guidance, support and strength from your church and family

What community provides:

  1. Community reminds us of reality

  2. Community provides protection

  3. Community provides accountability

We need community because like a good wedding, courtship is meant to be a shared celebration.

9. True love doesn't just wait
How to be passionately in love and sexually pure

This chapter can help you guard your heart.

Part Three: Before You Say "I Do"

10. When your past comes knocking
How you can face past sexual sin and experience God's forgiveness

What the Cross can do:

  1. Because of the Cross, you can absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin

  2. Because of the Cross, you can confess your past sin to your partner

  3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person

11. Are you ready for forever?
Ten questions to answer before you get engaged

  1. Is your relationship centered on God and His glory?

  2. Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?

  3. Are you clear on your biblical roles as man and woman?

  4. Are other people supportive of your relationship?

  5. Is sexual desire playing too big (or too small) a part in your decision?

  6. Do you have a track record of solving problems biblically?

  7. Are you heading in the same direction in life?

  8. Have you taken into account any cultural differences you have?

  9. Do either of you have complicating entanglements from past marriages or relationships?

  10. Do you want to marry this person?

If the answer is no, you may want to consider ending the relationship.

12. That day
Living and loving in light of eternity

Wedding is just the beginning, and maybe, you haven't experience "Boy meets Girl". Trust God's sovereignty, wisdom and love. The Creator of romance, the Maker who arranged the first "boy meets girl" in the Garden so very long ago, is still at work.


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