The Early Stages of Relationship
About the obvious personality differences and how to stay faithful (written from Christian perspective)

Idea conceived: 01 April 2005. (Not an April's fool joke).
Translated to English with some additions: 12 April 2005.
Last modified: 07 Aug 2008
For comments, suggestions, reporting typo or grammatical errors : please email stevenhalim at gmail.com

This is a reflection about the early stages of relationship that I think almost everyone will endure. A stage of relationship when "honeymoon" period can be considered "over" and when the real tests for the relationship have just started...

About The Obvious Personality Differences

I'm a (very) systematic person, and not everyone are systematic. As a researcher, postgraduate student in NUS, I need to be systematic (imagine if I didn't remember the ideas from papers/journals that I've read, can't link those ideas, create totally poor and random experiments, etc... I won't be able to graduate as all my research will be unfruitful). However, when probed further, it seems that this "being systematic" trait is already in the gene, not because university environment shaped me like that. Therefore, if it is genetic, it will be very hard (or nearly impossible) to change it. So, what should I do? An obvious friction with those who does not like this trait will eventually occur, especially if that person is someone who is close to me, for example, my future girlfriend/wife (hopefully I can met her soon).

Ask any couples, did they encounter many frictions in their relationship? I think most of them will answer 'yes' and I reckon that 'yes' is a better answer than 'no' for this question. It is a bit 'dangerous' if a couple who have been in a relationship for a long time but never quarrel... Relationship period is a period where you should try to get to know the other person better to give more informative decision for marriage. Frictions and quarrels are normal since both of them came from two different backgrounds... Therefore it will be very unhealthy if in this relationship period, both of them don't reveal their true-self to his/her partner (believe me, sooner or later, your partner will know the real you). In my understanding, it is better to reveal your true self since the beginning and use this relationship period to test whether we can accept our partner's strengths and weaknesses as well as introspecting our self with our partner's inputs.

So, whether all inputs from our partner are directly accepted? I think that the answer: "not always". In my own example before, it will be very hard to change my systematic trait in a short time. I will naturally be systematic... Therefore what I can do is to reduce my systematic-level step by step and what she (I don't know who is 'she' yet) can do is to try to accept me as I am. A difficult process which usually end up with quarrels.

Quarrels, even though painful, is actually can be considered as a good experience. My friend once told me that after quarrels, she will usually get to know her boyfriend closer :).

Trying to unite two different worlds, two different characters, two different backgrounds is a very difficult process, but nevertheless billion of people from past and present have managed to survive the process. Some successful (finally married and live a happy family), some don't (either break-up or divorce). There will be many barriers in front of us because all of us are different.

Let's discuss the second topic which sometimes affect the new couple. The issue of faithfulness.

About Being Faithful to your Girl/Boy-friend

When you decide to go after a girl/boy and tell her/him that you like her/you accept his proposal, you must have been prayed and thought about it very carefully. She/he should be, at this at that moment of time, the best possible option among other Christian girls/boys that are close to you. She/he should have a lot of qualities that you are looking for. However, even though she/he clearly stands out above the rest, the decision to propose a relationship/accept a proposal was a difficult decision. Some of our biggest worries for these situations are, for example: 'rejection'... a traumatic memory that I myself have experienced more than once..., 'insecurity' if she accept the proposal, perhaps she considered that he is not what she expected..., or even 'fear of losing a friend', if she decide to decline the proposal... In one simple sentence, such decision is a very important, it is perhaps your second biggest decision in life (the first biggest issue is about accepting Jesus Christ as your savior)

I wrote this section because one of my friend once mentioned this sentence, not exactly this sentence, but the content is roughly as follows: "When she is just your girlfriend, you can still look after another girls. If you happened to meet other girl who is better than your current girlfriend, I think it is okay to switch. You are not married yet, you can still break-up with your girlfriend if you can find the better one along the way."

Part of that statement is correct, your current girlfriend/boyfriend (if you happened to be attached someday) may not finally be your wife/husband in the future. However, I want to reject my friend idea above... as your current girlfriend/boyfriend (again, if you already attached), is currently in the pole position to be your future wife/husband and it is very inappropriate for you to look for another girls/boys at this moment.

I have a strong belief that relationship with a mindset "there may be someone better out there in the future" will only create stupid insecurity feeling which can be hazardous to the relationship. I conclude that: only after the couple found out that they were not suitable and decide to separate properly, then they regain their rights to find another partner (of course after they managed to heal their heartaches)... But, when they are in a relationship, both loses his/her rights to look after another girl/boy. Both can only treat other from opposite gender as brothers/sisters in Christ!!!

If one is unfaithful during his/her relationship, what are the meaning of his/her struggle before he/she decide to propose a relationship/receive the proposal previously? That will be meaningless. Why did you thought that she/he is the answer to your prayer if in the future you dump her/him for 'someone better' while you are in the middle of relationship with her/him??

Wise man said: 'The things that you can easily obtain are the things that you can easily let go whereas the things that you cannot easily obtain are the things that you cannot easily let go.". My personal struggle in looking for the the one was started since 1998 when I was still in high school... When I truly met the one someday... Let me said this promise in advance, that I will be faithful to you. God help your servant to be faithful with what he wrote here... :)

Singapore, 1 April 2005
Steven