ALL ALONG, I had little (if any at all) interest in the fairer sex of the human race. On weekends and holidays, I would usually just hang out with my old gang having a wild time at discos, lounges, Orchard Road, East Coast, ... etc. But as we grew older, things started to change, I began to notice something happening around me although I tried to ignore it. But this 'thing' grew and grew until one fine day, it struck me at the most unprepared moment ...

*Broooooommm* (Thunder roaring in the background)

(The clouds clear away as a voice chants endlessly in my head)

YOU - NEED - A - WOMAN !!!
YOU - NEED - A - WOMAN !!!
YOU - NEED - A - WOMAN !!! ...

A what? A woman? What's that? A sai cheah boh? (Hokkien version of 'Can eat of not?'). I think I had just encountered a very BIG trouble.

My gang began to strink in size as each one started to get attached. We spent lesser and lesser time seeing each other, and when we did, most of the time I was faced with a live-firing squad of endless questions revolving around the same topic ...

"So have you got a girlfriend already?"

"Uh, not really ... considering er ... this and ... of cose .. that.." I answered in a week meek voice feeling like an outcast without one.

"Sorry couldn't quite catch you. What did you say?"

"No lah. I was saying er that ... er I ... rummm ..." I started to mumble in embarrassment. Please don't ask me again.

"What was that?"

"I was saying that uh I ... mmm ...booo ...hmmm ..." I tried to rumble my way through. My ears were turning red.

"Huh? What's that again?"

"NO LAH, SOTONG! I SAY NO! 'N' ... 'O' ... DON'T HAVE! NO! NO! NO! CAN HEAR NOW OR NOT!?! @#$%^&*X3" I was practically blasting into their shocked faces flooding those shocked eyeballs in my streams of saliva. Lucky thing that I had strong self-control else they would have ended up as curry heads.

My friends were stunned at first but they breathed a sigh of relief after I cooled down ... and they continued again ...

"Need my girlfriend to introduce any?"

"No need."

"Sure very pretty one leh?"

"No lah."

"Very solid one leh?"

"No!"

"Sure very cute one leh?"

"No!!!"

"Oooi ... you gay or what?" ... *Blah* Bummers! Low-life! That's it!! Into the curry they go ...

Usually I would just blush and rub away those questions. Who cares! I felt that at twenty I'm still young to be bothered with this sort of things. They were other much more important things to do.

Then one fine Saturday evening after I booked out from camp, I met my ten-year-old nephew who was in Primary Five.

"Hullo Uncle Sam."

"Hallo Eric, wah!!! Dress so swee (Hokkien version of 'nice'), where you going?"

"Going out lor!! Oh ya, Uncle, please meet my new girlfriend."

I stood there numbed rooted to the ground as his 'girl' greeted me.

"Hullo Uncle Sam! I'm Lucy! Eric's girl, where's yours?"

"Sshh! Don't ask unc that! They say he don't like girls and that he is a what, a gay I think. They also say hor that he ..."

Eric tried to whisper into Lucy's small ears but my acute sense of hearing power unfortunately caught every word like arrow through my heart.

"Ahem! Er ... Uncle yah! We going off now! Ta Ta!"

"Byeee!"

The two lovebirds went happily about their way sharing an ice-cream cone while holding hands as they paced slowly into the night life of Singapore. I did not follow them. Neither did I respond to them. In fact I just froze down there with that same stupid smile still plastered on my face. At that moment my mind was thrown into a state of confusion. I started to chant endlessly to myself ...

I - NEED - A - WOMAN!
I - NEED - A - WOMAN!
I - NEED - A - WOMAN! ...