I lay on my bed. I was confused. Everything seemed like a dream. I was still feeling high. Oh Christina! I thought about her and I knew I didn't really like her. I like Sarah but... she belonged to someone else. Sarah was too good for me, I was crazy to think I could get her. I thought about Christina again. She wasn't ugly but she wasn't pretty too. She was ordinary, her face I meant. But her body, I could still recall, was electrifying. But I wasn't a sex maniac. I could not fall in love with a body. Yet somehow I felt a yearning for her. Could it be a young man's thirst for body? I read somewhere that a man needs to release. It is a physical as well as a psychological need. I did not know if that was what I needed. The feeling was ticklish. I just could not put away that dancing scene.

Days moved on. I found myself spending more and more time on the computer. I started skipping lectures and tutorials. And I was seeing Sarah and Christina day in day out. I didn't really want to see them yet I found myself going to places that they frequented. I discovered that Peter was not Sarah's boyfriend. Somehow, I thought, there was still a chance. Sarah was friendly to me but she always kept a distance. But Christina was difficult to deal with. I got so afraid of her. There was a look in her eyes that was so scary, as if she wanted to swallow me. This feeling was outright ridiculous but I could not bring myself to feel otherwise.

My work was getting terrible. I found myself out-of-pace. And at last my dream shattered. Sarah found a boyfriend. On that day of discovery I was terribly moody. It was at Arts canteen when I saw Sarah with her boyfriend. Christina was there too and she came over. I sat there motionless and ignored Christina's nonsense. She persisted and I remembered asking her to shut up.

It was crazy but I fell sick the next day. In fact I was sick for three days. I stayed at home and did nothing. Life was so boring. On the third day Christina called. I was somewhat elated. At least someone remembered me.

"Hello Meng, how are you? So long no see you."

"I am sick."

"Really?? Poor boy. Got see doctor?"

"Just fever, nothing serious."

"Aiya, how are you now?"

"Much better, think I can go campus tomorrow?"

"Oh, you better rest."

"No need, so boring at home. Feel like going out."

"Where you want to go?"

"Don't know. But I must go out."

"Why don't we go for a show?"

"What show?"

"Hmm... let me think..."

"I seldom watch movie, so I don't know."

"Meng, get the newspapers. See Lido showing what."

"Hmm... wait..."

"Lido? Showing Hamburger Hill."

"Hamburger Hill? Heard Vietnam war film. You interested?"

"Me? anything will do."

"Ok lor, then we see Lido. Say 4pm show?"

"Ok, I go book ticket and wait for you outside at 3.45 pm?"

"Set, see you there."

"Bye..."

"Bye meng."

I had a funny feeling. I felt so much better. Somehow the fever was gone. I had a nice shower and headed straight for Lido. I reached there and it was barely three. I got the tickets and just lingered around. So nice to be out in town again. Could not remember exactly when was the last time I went to the cinema. And as far as I knew I never went to the cinema with a girl alone. When we went to the cinema in JC days, we always went in a group. Such a nice feeling now to think that I was watching a show with a girl - just the two of us. Christina wasn't really pretty but so what?

She came, at last, on the dot at 3.45 pm. Wow, she looked so different. She looked great to me. I wondered why I found her ugly previously.

"Hey Chris! You look great!"

"Is it? Thanks! No flatter me you know"

"Really, you look great today."

"Only today what. Tomorrow I will be an ugly duckling again."

I kept quiet and we entered the cinema.

The show was outright ridiculous. I did not know what was happening. There were just boom boom bang bang and lots of blood and soldiers flying. They just kept on pushing and fighting. In the end only a few survivors were left on an empty deserted and useless hill. The show ended and we made our exit.

"So stupid show."

"Ya lor."

"What shall we do now?"

"Makan lor, I am so hungry."

"Eat what?"

"Donno, anything will do. As long as you spend."

"Aiya, we go noodle house. Right in front."

Christina was a second year Arts student. Her face was ordinary but her figure was fantastic. She always wore sexily, revealing a little here and there. Sometimes when I was standing over her I could see a little of her breasts. Wow, I would exclaim in my heart. But I never allowed my lustful thoughts to grow wild. We were going on strongly, seeing each other almost everyday. I could not tell whether she could be considered as my girlfriend. We didn't express our feelings or anything of that sort. We didn't hold hands or anything. We just spent a great deal of our time together.

I could not tell if I liked her. She was so ordinary, I would say. Yet somehow there was this desire for her. I did not know if the desire was normal for a guy but I had this urge for her. I did not know if this physical and emotional desire could be equated to 'like'. Her sexiness and my youthful lust got something to do with this desire but I could not be sure if there wasn't any real feelings at all. When I did not see her for a couple of days I would feel down. It was inexplicable. Maybe I was just lonely. She was there just to fill up my emotional gaps. I really did not know.

My work was getting better. I must thank her. She would not allow me to spend too much time on the computer. We studied together whenever possible. It was obvious to all that we were not mere friends. One day after finishing my graphics I was stopped by James.

"Hello Soon Meng, remember me?"

"Sure, You are James right. Alpha Company Platoon 2?"

"Ya, you still remember."

"How's life man?"

"Fine, at least got used to campus life."

"Heard you going strong with Christina?"

"No lah, we are just friends."

"Oh, then I am relieved."

"Why?"

"You donno about her? She was notorious in CJ."

"What you mean? Oh ya, you from CJ too."

"Aiya good platoon mate I tell you. Back in CJ she was a great flirt."

"Is it? What you mean?"

"She flirted with guy after guy. Cheapskate girl."

"Is it?"

"Well, no believe you ask those from CJ."

"Well none of my business if she was a flirt."

"Be careful pal, I have to get going."

"Bye James."

"Bye..."

My heart somewhat sank. Was she a flirt? I really did not know. I really doubted she was flirting with me. A flirt would not have that great patience. We had been going for 3 months and nothing had happened. But James could not be pulling my leg. He had no reason for doing so. He could not be jealous with me, could he? Not possible. Meaning? She was a flirt. I was going crazy. But... she wasn't flirting with me. Maybe she turned over a new leaf? What the heck.

I met her for dinner at Arts. I was unusually quiet and she noticed it.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing"

"Nothing? Don't bull me. I know something is troubling you."

"Nothing lah."

"Meng, if you treat me as your friend you tell me ok?"

"Really nothing..."

"Come on, let's not play games."

"Donno... Met an army friend. He was from CJ."

"So??"

"He told me something about you."

Her face somewhat blackened and she turned away. So James was right! We kept quiet.

"Meng, you believed what he said?"

"You know what he said?"

"I can guess."

"So, all true?"

"NO!"

"If not true then why are you so affected?"

"It's not true! They are spreading rumours about me!"

She was almost crying. I felt so bad. I kept quiet. She looked away. I stared into the ceiling. The wind was blowing strongly. We had no mood to study. I sent her home.

We didn't talk on the bus. Her face was black. I could see from the corner of my eyes that her eyes were wet. But she didn't cry. The bus powered on furiously. I put my arms lightly round her. She didn't resist, she didn't move, as if she was dead. We alighted and walked slowly along the footpath.

"You don't have to send me to my door step."

"Never mind, it's still early."

She turned and continued walking. I followed her. I followed her up the lift and I saw her disappear as the door closed. I gave a sigh and made my way home. The bus was crazy, and I was crazy too. Images of her filled my mind. I looked out of the window and I saw scattering lights. Inside my brain, images of her were scattered here and there. I tried not to think about her, but I could not. It was crazy that I could be so affected by rumours about her past. And it was crazy too that she could be so mad about me hearing those rumours. Conclusion? I liked her! I always refused to believe that I liked her. I thought she was ordinary and I was destined for someone better. The fact that I liked her was too shattering a truth for me to acknowledge. I liked her yet I chose to deceive myself. I could not bring myself to believe that I could like someone that ordinary. In my dreams, my girl was always someone spectacular and not this ordinary plain jane. But the fact remained - I really liked her.

... to be continued