I was somewhat relieved. The truth was out and I need not play games with myself anymore. I yearned for her and I wanted to see her everyday, no more excuses were required. I simply wanted her.

I had a full day of lectures and tutorials the next day. There wasn't any chance of seeing her. I left her a mail, asking her to meet me at the roof-top at 5pm. I told her I had something important to tell her.

I was restless the whole day. I could not wait for the day to end. 5pm at last and I rushed to the roof-top. I saw her from afar, sitting there, reading a novel. I rushed forward, almost running.

"Hi Chris!!! You are early."

"Ya, what's up? What so important?"

I paused to take a deep breath. I looked at her with my penetrating eyes. I did not speak. I sat beside her, looking at her face with my hungry eyes, as if wanting to swallow her. Surprisingly she blushed.

"What happen to you today. Why you look at me like that?"

"Ehmmmm... I have something important to tell you."

"What? Why look at me like this?"

"You know, you look so pretty."

"Don't kid me. I know myself well."

"No kidding!! I like your face."

"Like my face? How so funny."

"Ehmmmm... not your face alone... I like you."

"What you said?"

"Chris, I like you."

"Don't kid yourself, you don't like me. Since the first day you never like me."

"No!! I really like you. I was kidding myself all the while. You know, I spent the whole of last night thinking about us. And the only conclusion I can draw is that I like you."

She looked away. I moved closer to her and held her hands.

"Chris, you like me right? I know you like me."

"Chris, you like me right?"

She kept quiet but I could see that she was smiling. Quickly, I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She looked up, and gave a sigh.

"Chris, why are you sighing?"

"You really sure you like me?"

"Ya, I am sure. 1000 percent sure."

"You don't mind about my past?"

"You said those were rumours."

"And you believed what I said?"

"Ya why not. You have no reason to bluff me."

"You really want me to be your girl?"

"Ya, really. I want you. You like me too right?"

"Yes Meng, I like you but..."

"But what?"

"I am not sure... I am not sure of my feelings... I am so unstable."

"What you mean?"

"I donno... I know I like you... I could feel something strong but... but... I donno if it is mere infatuation or what."

"But we are together for close to 4 months now."

"I know... but I am so scared that I may fail you.. I am so scared that you are not the right guy for me and moreover..."

"Moreover what??"

"I have a boyfriend."

"You mean now you have another boyfriend besides me?"

"Ya, we sort of separated but we still call each other."

"Sort of separated? What you mean?"

"Not really separated but we seldom see each other. Hardly once a month."

"You still like him?"

"Ya... but... I am sorry Meng, I really donno what I am doing... Give me some time to think about it."

"Shit! How come like this?"

"I am sorry... please don't push me.... Give me some time."

"OK... I shall not push you... we go on like this... still friends?"

"Ya, you are so nice to me... we can always be friends."

"Ok... I suppose I can wait..."

Towards the end of the calendar year. The festive mood was felt. Christmas was around the corner and after that Chinese New year would arrive. And with that the call of examinations would be wailing. I studied hard. In fact I studied too hard. I had to, Christina was killing me with her moods. Sometimes she was so loving, at other times she would simply jump at me. I supposed her moods swayed to the rhythm of her ex-boyfriend. I seldom had any nightmares all my life but recently things changed for the worse. Maybe I studied too hard. I saw Stoke's Equation like bolts of lightning; Laplace's transformation would transform me into a demon; Green's Theorem made me turned green with jealousy; not to mention second law of Thermodynamics; not to mention curvilinear coordinates; and how about Gauss???

I shuddered with fear. In the middle of the night, the phone rang. It was almost shattering. In darkness I fumbled with the hand-set.

"Meng... I ..."

Christina was on the line and she was crying.

"Come on Chris, don't cry. Tell me what happen?"

"He end it all up."

"What you mean?"

"He called and said that he won't be seeing me anymore."

"Chris, don't feel so bad. You will get over it."

"I know I know... but how could I end it all up so easily?"

"You have to face it... you knew it long ago."

"Yes, but still... how could a relationship end just like that? Without even seeing me and saying bye to me?"

"What's the point of seeing. You will be hurt more."

"I know... but ..."

"Chris, be a good girl... go to sleep. Things will be OK tomorrow."

"No, I can't sleep... Can I see you now?"

"Now??"

"Yes now, I am growing mad."

"OK I come right now."

It was almost 3am. We walked along the road. The street lamps were far too bright. The road seemed endless. I could not bear to look at her. Such a poor girl. My heart felt the pain too. At the same time I was relieved.

We sat at a bench near the park. She looked at me and at last she broke down. My shoulder were wet but I didn't care. She coughed and choked. I had to comfort her, rubbing her back lightly. She recounted her days in CJ - how she changed 4 boyfriends in 2 years. It wasn't solely her fault she said, they were all too young and they plunged into relationships. After a while they got sick of each other and things just turned bad. She regretted her days in CJ and when she entered NUS she was determined to set everything right. Before coming to the University she had worked in a bank for a while. She came to know of this guy - her current ex-boyfriend. They were going strongly for a year until things began to turn sour. He seemed to change she said. His calls became less frequent and it was always difficult to get him. She spent her time with Sarah, busying herself with studying and the computer, hoping to forget about him. But Sarah found herself a boyfriend and she got no one to turn to. I came along and she just stuck to me. She needed someone to talk to, someone to share with her and I came in at the right time. She needed a replacement for her emotional emptiness.

"I am sorry, Meng."

"Well, so I am a mere replacement."

"No, don't say that. I really like you... but I just want to be sure that my liking is not mere infatuation."

"So now what?"

"Give me some time... I am willing to be your girl, I am willing to start all over again... if only you give me the courage."

"I will give you the courage, why not?"

"Meng, we start slowly OK?"

"Ya, as you wish."

"We need more time to know each other."

"Ok, let time be the test..."

We both needed time and space for ourselves. Examinations were around the corner, we just could not afford to be emotionally involved. We saw each other everyday and studied together. We took our meals together and went back together. But we were just good friends. There was no emotional attachment. I wasn't too happy about the situation but I could not possibly push her. It would be disaster because our studies might be affected.

So the days dragged on. Examinations were over. I was overjoyed. I knew I did well but I wasn't sure if it was good enough for me to stay in NUS. I didn't want to go NTI. There wasn't any good reasons why I didn't want NTI, I just felt so emotionally attached to NUS.

We both found a job. Simply boring - a 9-to-5 job. But why complain? There were no pressure now, and I could do the things I like to do - idle around, read books, swimming and of course going out with Christina. She became much more cheerful. We pushed forward effortlessly and she became my lover girl. It was difficult to describe the sort of joy we had. We weren't hopelessly romantic but somehow the smile was always in us.

In two months we left our traces all over Singapore. We played, we danced, we hiked, we swam, we canoed, we roller skated, we did everything under the sun that happy couples do. We were happy. We spent our weekends by the sea, under the clear moonlight and buried ourselves in love.

... to be continued