A new day began and a new phase of my life began. I was in second year. I was fortunate enough to stay back in NUS. And what a joy! I started the second year with a lover girl. Looking back I realised how lucky I was.

As usual the pace in Engineering was terrible. But I wasn't too concerned now. I had adapted my style of studying to the NUS environment. The secret was to learn the fundamentals properly and not to worry too much. The only thing that worried me was Christina. We were still going strong but we seemed to see less of each other. Our time-tables clashed badly and even in the evenings she wasn't really free. I did not know what she was up to but she seemed to be involved to all sorts of nonsense - organising this and that. Final year in Arts was much worse than before. She could no longer copied here and there from books and patched up an essay. She said more critical analysis was required. And when she had any problem with her essays I would be the first one to be shot at.

The other thing that worried me was our communication. We didn't seem to communicate as well as when we were mere friends. Somehow I felt that she was hiding things from me. When confronted she would said that she was tired - that was all. Her dressing seemed to change too, becoming more and more outrageous. Walking beside her could be a real test of nerves. I did not know why she wanted so much attention, as if I did not give her enough.

But we still moved on. I could sense trouble but somehow I thought everything would be alright. We began to drift apart and I hung onto her tightly. I followed her everywhere, to the extent of skipping my lessons. I was getting nervous about losing her. I tried to talk to her but she just wouldn't want to talk.

Most of the time when we went out I paid. I was not rich but I never said anything. But she was getting unreasonable, always wanting me to buy her things. It wasn't that I was stingy but I just could not afford it. If I didn't catch her hint about her wanting a particular item she would pull a long face the whole day. Life was getting terrible.

The worse was yet to come. The rumours were spreading and true to my nature I refused to believe in those rumours. The first rumour was that in the Science Jam & Hop, one science guy was having a good time with Christina. I did not know what they meant by having a good time but obviously it wasn't anything good. I did not go to the Science Hop because I had to run an errand for mother. I was terribly sad and angry the next day when the rumours got to me. I asked her if she had a good time. She said yes. I dared not pursue further. The other rumour was more shattering - Christina was seeing another guy behind my back. I confronted her but she dismissed it as plain rumour. I could not do anything.

I was clearly affected. I tried to rationalize and dismissed those rumours but I could not. I tried so many times to talk to her but she just evaded me with her couldn't-care-less attitude. I tried kissing her but she just pushed me aside. I was almost exploding, I almost wanted to give her a punch.

I did not talk to her for the next few days. I was so angry. I thought that if she did not call me I would call it quits. But could I? It was getting tortuous as days passed. She didn't even call. A week passed quickly. The hurt was complete. I felt numb and my sense seemed not to be working. It was a funny thing that a relationship could just end up like that. What have I done wrong? I did nothing wrong! Oh maybe I wasn't rich enough, or maybe I wasn't macho enough, or maybe I was too dull, or maybe I was too unromantic, or maybe she was simply tired of me. I was a fool, of course. We were poles apart and yet I persisted in wanting her. She was outrageous, attention-seeking, outgoing and outspoken type. I was the conservative, attention-avoiding, timid and soft-spoken type. How could we have come together? If I would to see her I wouldn't even dare make a move and talk to her. But shit... through the computer I was different, I was daring and outrageous. There was no escape now. I was courting death when I courted her. The death sentence had been passed, she was bored with me.

It was a Saturday night and I was out on the streets. I was determined to come to terms with myself. If I could not sort out my life there and then I would not go home. I had never been so crazy. I staggered along Orchard road. People passed me by but I ignored them. Those social escorts would come frightening close to me and laughed at me at my face. Those faggots were worse, they walked in circles round me. I did not know what I was doing. The walked to and fro eyeing me from the corner of their eyes. One came frighteningly close:

"Hey brother, 100 bucks I make you shiok?"

I shuddered away. I just followed the two tourists in front of me. I did not know how long I was on the streets.

It was a cool night. The cold wind blew right through the streets. Early in the morning at 3am but the road was unusually crowded. Bars and discotheques were closing and people could be seen trudging along the sidewalks, some waiting for taxis to take them away, some searching for a place to placate their pitiful stomach and some, with a sense of listlessness in their eyes, were just contented to trudge along.

I was there among them. Half drunk perhaps. My steps were slow and deliberate but my sense was still clear. I leant against the building. Across the streets, Thai prostitutes were looking for their last targets before going home to sleep. Those faggots passed me again. They looked so familiar and they smiled. I moved away from them. I crossed the road. I did not know what I was doing. I moved forward and grabbed the woman in front of me. She turned and smiled.

"Mister, you want me?"

I nodded my head.

"150 for the whole night? Ok?"

I nodded my head again.

"Where?"

This time I shook my head. But she didn't allow me to say much. She slipped her arms under mine and dragged me along. A taxi stopped for us.

"Geylang Lorong 28."

The sun was piercing through the room. I woke up. I looked around me, dazzled by the bright sunlight. I was confused. I didn't know where I was. I was lying in a little room. There were no furniture except the bed I was on and a little table. My pants and shirts were lying like dirty cloths on the floor. My underwear hanging precariously by the edge of the bed. I looked at myself, stark naked. What had I done? I got up, dressed and rushed out of the room. Passed a narrow corridor and I ran down the stairs. I opened the door and rushed out.

The sun was strong. I felt a headache. Where was I? I walked along the road, the sign showed clearly - Lorong 28. I went home.

I had a terribly long shower. I could now vaguely recall all the incidents. How sad and dehumanising! I was devirginised by a Thai prostitute. I couldn't even remember the feeling. It was a stupid thing that I had done.

There was nothing to eat. I had to cook maggie mee. Just as I reached out for the papers the phone rang.

"Meng..."

"Ya, who's that?"

"It's me..."

"Oh Chris, how are you doing? So long never hear your voice."

"Ya so long, I am sorry..."

"Nothing lah... so what's up... so free to cheer up a boring boy like me?"

"Meng, where have you been the whole night. I been looking for you since yesterday night"

"Me?? Oh I went out to have a nice time."

"What nice time?"

"You donno?? Screw a stranger!"

"Meng, no more joking... I have to see you."

"What's up my lady? What can I do for you?"

"I really need your help. If not I will die."

"Ok lor, where to meet?"

"Can you come my house now? My parents went to China."

"Ok I'll be right over."

I finished my maggie mee in record time. On the way to her house I thought about our relationship. I almost laughed at my impotence. Here was this terrible woman who didn't even care a damn about me when I was down and here was this stupid man rushing like crazy on hearing that this terrible woman was in trouble. I just could not understand myself. Why didn't I tell her to go fly kite?

I reached her house. She greeted me with terrified eyes. I could see it that she was be really terrified.

"What happenned to you Chris? You look terrible."

She didn't say anything. She rushed into my arms. I held her lightly.

"Tell me Chris, what happen?"

"He... he wanted to come back."

"Who?? Your ex?"

"Ya, he called me up yesterday. He said he wanted me."

"You believe him?"

"No but he came right to my house yesterday. I was so scared"

"Why scared? Just ignore him."

"He seemed very serious. That is why I am scared."

"What is there to be afraid of? You love him right? Go back to him lor."

"I can't. I can't go back to him. I..."

"I donno what are you trying to do but I suggest you just ignore him."

"I can't... He will pester me... and my parents will be away for a while."

"Chris, can't you just tell him to go fly kite?"

"I dare not see him..."

"So, what you want me to do?"

"I also donno... I just need your help... I really donno..."

"You want me to tell him off?"

"If... if you are willing..."

"Who am I? I am not your anybody. Can't you get your new lover boy?"

"Meng, please... Colin donno about this ex I have... I can't tell him."

"Aha.... now I understand..."

"I am sorry, I really got no one to turn to..."

"Ha ha, you really treat me as a good friend huh? I have seen through you Chris..."

"I am sorry but..."

"Don't worry, I'll help you, but just this once..."

"Thanks meng!"

She gave me a hug and kissed me on my lips. I felt disgusted. I pushed her away. Her body I could feel was 1000 times dirtier than the prostitute I had last night. I felt so lost. I could not believe that I loved this woman, this bastard of a woman. But I could not help myself. I could not bring myself to leave her to fend for herself. If I didn't help her, who would?

I left her house. I walked along the foot-path. The wind was strong and it blew right through me. I almost managed a smile. I was smiling at my impotence - I just could not say no to Christina. Who was she? There was nothing magical about her, she was outright ordinary. About the only good about her was her body and with money you could buy much better bodies. Her character was flawed, she was just a flirt. Why? Why I loved her? And why others wanted her? I guessed as much that they just wanted her body, nothing else. How about me? I could not think straight about her, she blurred my senses. I traced my steps, where would it lead me to? I looked at the sky. I almost cried...

... End of Story