THE road of happiness was perfect. Life became a joy. I found it so difficult to believe. He drove me to craziness. We met everyday. We hugged everyday. We kissed everyday. And I missed him more and more each day. Every passing minute without him was a torture. My work turned from bad to worse. I was too happy to worry about it. I never logged on unless to leave him a mail or to read his mail. Most of the time, we were together. We discovered all the dark corners of NUS. Corners of our own where we could do what we wanted to do, away from everyone. We studied together. But I couldn't concentrate. One look of him was enough to drive me craving for him. We ended up kissing and hugging instead of studying.

Everybody I met said I looked so happy. What an understatement!! I looked happy? I was happy to the bones. If ever I was moody, it was because he was not around. His occasional absence drove me to nuts. But my heart grew fonder each time I saw him again.

Examinations were approaching. I was caught unprepared. But I was too blind to realise what stood in front of me. I never thought I would fail. How could I fail? In my first year I was just as badly prepared, and yet I passed. Now in the second year, with the support of a lover boy, how could I fail? I treated my ignorance of any subjects in a matter-of-fact manner. He studied hard and he was smart too. We quarrelled a few times when he was studying and I went to hug and kiss him. He told me not to disturb him! How heartless of him to say that. But after a while when he put away his books, he would come to me. I was angry but slowly would submit myself to him again.

We studied like crazy. And a lot of times, we needed breaks. We needed breaks to love and kiss each other. He was getting bolder all the time. His lips now, not contented with my lips alone, would kiss me all over. His hands was never contented to let my body off. At first he touched my body and slowly there was no secrets left untouched.

The tension was nerve wrecking. And the more tense we became, the more crazy we became. Slowly, even our clothed bodies could not satisfy each other. We craved for naked flesh! But all these were all wrong, I thought. But I loved him so deeply that I could not control myself. In some instances we almost went overboard. We tried making love but in the circumstances it didn't turn out right. There wasn't any proper place and almost always the fear of people passing by held us back. Once, we were almost there, but our inexperience made everything so clumsy. I was terrified, I felt pain. I pushed him away. He did not pursue further. But he became unusually quiet after that.

I loved him. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to make love to me and yet I resisted him at the most important moment. He must have been hurt. But I thought that if he loved me, he would wait.

Examinations at last started. Pre-examinations pressure somewhat lessen. I did badly. Now the fear was in my eyes. I knew that it was a distinct possibility that I would fail. I told him my fears but he brushed it aside. He said I would pass. And how naive of me to believe him than the facts. I was completely unprepared. It was all very clear that I would fail, yet I chose to believe in fantasy.

Very quickly, examinations were over. We decided to have a grand celebration. What a joy at last. At long last I could spend all the time with him.

We started the day at east coast. We laid under the sun. We canoed. We cycled. We were overjoyed. When the sun set we packed our things. I did not know where we were going. I asked him and he just smiled.

I did not care where the road will lead us to. I just hugged him tightly and let him take me to where he wanted to go. We entered Pan Pacific. Wow, from the sea right to a hotel. He led me along. Candle light dinner for two! I was mad with joy!

The food came - seafood - our favorite. Wine came and we drank a little. The mood was right. I never felt so loved before. Now and then, he would hold my hands lightly, rubbing it gently. Now and then he would bend over to kiss me. Never mind others' eyes he said. 'We are in love'. The bill came, and he paid for it. We walked out of the restaurant a bit high. I leaned against him as we swayed along. The world never seemed so beautiful.

We were at the lobby. He held me tightly and we moved towards the front desk receptionists.

"Hmm excuse me, Miss, I have reserved a room."

"Yes sir, what is your name please?"

"Daniel Lim."

"A minute please..."

I looked at him with bewildered eyes. He just smiled and his eyes as if telling me not to ask any questions.

"Oh yes mister Lim, this is your key. Room number 2111."

"Thank you, miss."

"Welcome... have a nice..."

Before she could finish her sentence we were gliding away. I did not have any time for any questions. The door opened and right we were, in a room of our own. It was so nice. The view of Singapore harbour could be seen, scintillating and shining like jewels in darkness. There was no time to enjoy such exquisite beauty. He pulled me to the bed. We kissed like crazy. There was no necessity of talking. His hands were doing the job. My dress, his pants and his shirts were all discarded like the way you discard a mail. Even underwear and panty flew like messages. We were stark naked. There was nothing else to do. We had to do it.

It was almost painless. In fact, it was such a joy. I never knew lovemaking would be so enjoyable. It was an indescribable feeling. It was all over in a matter of minutes.

We lay beside each other. Looking at each other we kissed yet again. Conversations were extraneous. We were contented just to look at each other. The night passed itself out. There was no candles to signify the dying of the night; there was nothing to signify the perfect union of two beings. Two virgins died. A new chapter of love began. Once you have made love, the dimension of love changed. The feeling was so different. You never thought you could love that much.

Dawn broke. A new day began. We woke up from yesterday's made-believe world. Today's world seemed less beautiful. Nevertheless, we had to move on. We showered and made our exit. It was noon. The sun was high and strong. My throat was dry. He sent me home.

I unlocked the door. Nobody was in. I felt tired. I crept up onto my bed and took a nap.

I woke up with a headache. But before I could relieve myself, mother's thunderous voice shook me to life.

"Where did you go and die yesterday? Never even call back?"

"What? You think you have grown up? Can fly?"

"Everyday run here run there. Never at home."

"Heard that you are having holidays right? Why no stay at home and help your old mother."

"Don't think you can support yourself you are really great."

"You never think of the time when you were small and how I fed you."

"How ungrateful you now? Huh? No answer me some more!"

"Ah Ma, I am sick. My head is bursting."

"Sick huh? At home only you say you sick. When you go out why not say you sick?"

"I am really sick."

"Sick? Take two panadols will be Ok. Tonight you cook dinner."

"Your aunties will be coming here to play mahjong!. Heard or not?"

"Yes, Ah Ma."

"And remember, to wash those clothes... "

I refused to hear further. I closed the door and buried myself under the pillow. Such a mother! But my mind quickly switched to Dan. I broke into a smile. Life was a joy after all!!

So, the days dragged on. There was nothing much to do during the holidays except to withstand all the nonsense from mother. Dan had found a job and we were seeing each other less and less. Sometimes, he wasn't even home till late at night. Only on weekends we saw each other for long. And inevitably we would end up making love. Monday was a crazy day, for it meant I would have to wait for 5 days to see him. I became listless and my temper got worse. We almost always quarrelled when we met. Yet each time I allowed him to touch me and each time I hated myself more.

It was a terrible afternoon. I had not been out to town for a long time. But this afternoon was different. The results would be out tomorrow and I must get away from my damned house for a while. I walked aimlessly among the crowds. I felt so lost. I needed someone to talk to. But I had none. Even my lover boy was nowhere to be seen. I was dreaming again; I was craving for him again.

I thought I saw him! Yes, I saw him. I almost screamed. I walked towards him. But I froze my steps. A girl stepped out of the book shop and she held his hands! They talked softly to each other. He hugged her tightly as they strolled out of the shopping center. I was dumbfounded. The world was shattering to bits. I saw the whole world exploding, bits and pieces of it scattering. There were no tears. My throat was dry. I had a headache.

I thought I would die. My world was crumbling. I never felt like this before. What could I do? I contemplated committing suicide. But I was a timid girl. I never had the courage. My eyes just stared blindly at the ceiling the whole day. Even my mother's thunderous voice failed to move me.

Deep in the night I woke up. I cried. My tears refused to stop. Out of the window, the moon was shining. I thought I would jump out of the window. The stars were shining too. There were no sympathy. I was all alone to suffer my sufferings. I thought of how it all began. I cried. My life was a failure.

Dawn broke into my room. A new day began. I have to face this new day. I wondered if I have the courage to wake up. I washed up and get away from the house. It was 8 am. I reached campus. Inevitably, I alighted at the bus-stop outside comcen. But I did not have the courage to go up to the terminal room. The grey building still stood there, still impervious to my sufferings, only now amplified a million times.

I shifted from place to place. My senses remained in a state of numbness. People looked at me with weird eyes. I simply ignored them. So many people were at the notice board. I made my way there. Among the crowds, among the noise, I saw my name there. No more no less - two REs. But I wasn't moved a trifle. My senses were numbed. It did not matter if I passed or failed. Even if I scored all A's so what? He was gone!

That night he called. He asked if I passed. I told him yes. He seemed so happy for me.

"Told you lah, sure pass you no believe me?"

"How to believe you? Are you believable?"

"Aiya, don't talk nonsense. I not believable who is?"

"How's work?"

"OK lah, very busy. Even no time for lunch."

"Really so busy? Wonder what you doing."

"Aiya, how to explain to you? You also don't understand."

"My friend said she saw you at centre point around 1 pm."

"Is it? 1 pm... Oh... I went to get something for the boss."

"Really, you alone there?"

"Of course lah, just rush there to get a book for him and rush back."

"Really, she said she saw you with a girl with long hair."

"Aiya joking lah, where got?"

"Still want to bluff me, who is that girl?"

"Err... no lah, that was the boss' secretary."

"Then you said you went there alone?"

"Hmm ya lah, but she insisted on coming with me so..."

"She rode on you bike as well?"

"No lah joking, she drove."

"So you sat in her car?"

"Ya..."

"You like her? She is beautiful?"

"No more joking lah, what happen to you today?"

"I am nothing. It is you. You like her?"

"I don't really know her lah."

"Then you hold her hands, then you whisper in her ears, then you hug her? You don't really know her well?"

"No talk nonsense again."

"Come out of it. You idiot! Still want to bluff me? I saw it with my eyes OK!!!"

"No... I..."

I did not wait for him to finish. I cut him off. All the tears swelling up in me. I felt like crying but the tears refused to flow. The phone rang again. I hung it up. I put on tee-shirt and went out. It was early in the night. The flats were all lighted up. The moon and stars had not shone brightly enough. The world was so good, only my world was terrible. I never knew how I got myself into such a situation. I walked aimlessly along the road. Those inhuman cars and buses kept going, powering to nowhere, perhaps. And the passers-by passed by me, without stopping to console a poor girl. I thought I wanted to die. I saw a bus came crashing down the road. I thought I would rush forward. It was a frightful scene:

"I lay in a pool of blood. The bus stopped. In fact, everyone stopped. Suddenly, a lonely girl found company. So many people pausing to take a look at my crushed head. The police came, the ambulance came. But it was fruitless. I was dead."

... to be continued