I woke up from that frightful thought. And I saw him on his bike, stopping just ahead of me. He shoved the crash-helmet at me. Like an idiot, I jumped behind him. I was holding him but I felt so cold. His body felt like ice. Even the cold wind was warmer.

The engine of the bike stopped. Dead silence. He led me. He held up my chin and kissed me. My lips were dead. He could sense it and he stopped kissing. He shook me but I looked numbed.

"Yin, What happen to you?"

I just shook my head.

"Yin, tell me what happen to you?"

"Nothing. I have not changed. Only you changed!!"

"Yin, what talking you? What changes?"

"You don't love me anymore. You have another girl."

"Yin, no... I still love you."

"Then what about that girl?"

"She... hmm... it is so hard to explain."

"What so hard to explain? You want me then I don't want you to have anything to do with her?"

"Yin, we are really nothing."

"Nothing!! Oh... so a girl can anyhow let you hold her?"

"Yin, nothing lah. We are only beginning."

"Oh... beginning some more... then how about next? You kiss her, touch her and make love to her is it?"

"No, we are only friends."

"OK tell me you idiot, are you going to leave her?"

"I cannot. Be reasonable. I will still be good to you."

"What are you talking? I won't share a man with anyone else."

"Don't be so unreasonable."

"AH!! I am unreasonable!"

"Give me some time... I try to get rid of her."

"Dan, don't treat me like a 3 year old kid, OK? You have changed. Since the day you started work you have changed. We hardly see each other. Each time you only want to make love to me. Nothing else... we no longer talked and kissed like last time."

"Yin, I have to work. Be reasonable. I cannot afford to waste so much time. I didn't force you to make love. Every time you also wanted it."

"You bastard... you can say such things. I really regretted letting you have me... now you only say such nonsense."

"No Yin, I don't mean that. I just want you to know that I have not cheated you of your love. I didn't not just want to have sex with you. We are both adults. We should be responsible for our actions. I lose my virginity to you too you know, Yin?"

"Now don't talk about all those nonsense! Do you still want me? Do you ever want to marry me?"

"Yin, of course I still want you. I will marry you when we are ready."

"Dan, really?"

"Of course!"

"You love me?"

"I love you... my sweet Su Yin."

"I love you too.. my dan dan."

The world changed again. It was beautiful again. So all my fears have been unfounded. I bathed in joy again. That night, we did not go home. That night, love of music was in the air. That night, our love flowed again.

Next morning I went home with renewed vigour. As he kissed me goodbye, I thought I saw happiness again. The sun was shining brightly. I packed my stuff and cleaned up the whole house. Wow, it looked so nice and tidy! I too could be a great housewife!

When I thought of the REs my heart sank. But when I thought about him, I smiled again. After all with him behind me, I would pass the REs. So I packed all my notes neatly and got ready for renewed battle in the examination hall.

Days passed quickly. I studied harder than ever. It was difficult but I thought I could make it. I saw him more frequently. It was a tough battle but I was willing to give it a fight.

The REs started. I was so much engrossed in studying that I didn't realise that I had missed my period. I dismissed it as stress induced. I told him about it. He dismissed it too. He said I couldn't possibly be pregnant. He said he only came in me immediately after the period. Most of the time, he would withdraw before ejaculating. I was somewhat reassured.

Days passed quickly. One more paper to go and I would be free. What a joy again.

He called me that night. I was overjoyed. I told him I would be having my last paper tomorrow.

"Yin, can I see you now?"

"Now, sure! But why? Why not tomorrow after my paper?"

"I need to see you now."

"Why? Oh never mind... ok pick me up in 15 mins."

"Ok bye..."

"Bye bye... lover boy."

We flew on the road again. Such joy again. And he brought me to the place where we first met.

"Oi, my lover boy, what's up?"

"Hmm... I donno how to say."

"Quick lah, I have to study for tomorrow's paper you know?"

"I know... tomorrow I won't be around."

"Why??"

"My company sending me to Indonesia."

"Alamak... how come now then tell me?"

"How long will you be there?"

"Not sure, about 2-3 weeks."

"You so naughty, now then tell me... I will miss you a lot you know."

"I know... err..."

"Dan, will you miss me?"

"Hmm... I donno how to say."

"What is there to say... just say you love and miss me lor."

"I don't mean that... I mean ..."

"Aiya don't be so long-winded. You only there for 2-3 weeks only what."

"Yin, I am going with that girl."

"What that girl?"

"That girl you saw."

"You mean you still going on with her all these while?"

"Er..."

"You idiot! You bluffed me again!!"

"No, I didn't bluff you. I said I try to get rid of her. But I can't."

"Why cannot???"

"I really can't. We are going to be engaged."

"What you said? Did you say engaged?"

"Yes."

"OH NO..... you told me you are going to marry me? NO??"

"Yin, I am sorry. I can't marry you."

"Oh why???? I am not good enough or you?"

"No that, Yin. I am really sorry."

"Oh... I am too cheap for you right? You f..king bastard!"

"No, please..."

I refused to hear anymore. The world was complete. A full cycle had executed. I was back to where I was again, only this time with sorrows amplified a billion times. I ran, I ran away from him. He did not bother to chase me. I did not care too. This world had finally dealt its blow on me. At long last, it had told me the truth - that my life was one of misery. Happiness was only an illusion; happiness was only a temporary situation to make my sufferings more pronounced; and happiness was only a dream. I did not know how far or how long I ran. The world seemed so dark. I was blind. I could not see. I was dying. Someone, help me please!!

Hours came and went. The sun shifted its light onto this side of the world. My face was dry. No more tears. My throat was dry. My heart was dead. Early in the morning, there were people jogging and there were people practising tai chi. Early in the morning, the sea breeze was cooling. And early in the morning, I was here, sitting alone on the bench, drenched of all energy, incapable of feeling. Early in the morning, nobody was aware of my existence. Even the sea water forgot I stood by the shore, it came splashing at me. I too forgot about the last paper. As if it didn't matter. The last paper I meant. I didn't not matter anymore. As if I folded the paper in a boat and let it be carried away by the waves. Will it sink or will it reach some shore? Nobody will know the answer. But I knew one thing - I was doomed!

I did not know how I passed my time. Days passed like running tap water. Hours ticked away. I was thoroughly lost. Mother complained that I was getting lazier and lazier. She said I grew fatter! How impossible. I didn't even have a decent meal a day and yet I grew fatter. But it was undeniable fact. Even my breasts had somewhat enlarged.

I did not know days from nights. Days are for sleeping and nights for crying. And night after night I did not know how many of them I had passed in silent conversation with myself. In the midst of everything,

I missed my second period. It seemed obvious. Death sentence had been passed. I knew then I was really pregnant. I tried calling him but he was of course nowhere to be seen.

That morning I mustered enough courage to see a gynecologist. When I opened the door of the clinic I was shocked. I saw on the sofa, some 15 patients or more sitting there. Most of them were obviously pregnant.

And some of them with husbands by their side. And of course, they looked much older than me! I shut the door and out I went. I did not have the courage. Round and round I walked, until at last, tired, I entered a normal clinic. I opened the door and peeped inside. Thank god, only 3 patients. I did not have to wait long. My turn came. The doctor was an old man. He examined me and asked me questions. I told him all, about missing two periods. Then the nurse asked me to pass urine.

I waited patiently. The doctor called me in.

"Miss Tan, you are pregnant."

"Yes, doctor. I want an abortion."

"How old are you?"

"20."

"Are you a Singaporean?"

"Yes."

"Ok no worry, I'll introduce a gynecologist to you. He is very experienced. He will take care of everything."

"Yes."

"Ok, you wait outside while I make an appointment for you."

I sat on the sofa with face transfixed onto the floor. The doctor, with his thunderous voice called numerous gynecologists to make an appointment. I was lost for words. I walked on the road again. The wind blew across my face. I shivered. The verdict: I was pregnant. It was a forgone conclusion and yet... I could not keep going. I felt as if the whole world had been too cruel to me.

I reached home. I dared not tell anyone. I looked at my POSB savings book - barely 500 bucks left. Now this abortion will take up about 400, what to do with the rest? I still have fees to pay next year, not to say food and transport. Maybe I can walk to campus. Why not, it's only 5-6 km.

My best friend called me. The results were out. My name was missing. That too was a forgone conclusion. The last paper was swept away by waves. I failed of course. Did I hope for a miracle? No!! I went out, to the beach again. Now, everything was complete. In a year I lost everything - my innocence, my virginity, my lover boy, my examinations and now about to lose my 400 bucks and baby! How could I smile? I was too tired. I did not even have the strength to be sad. I was unfeeling, I was numb.

The day moved on. The baby was gone. I felt ashamed. But I never regretted making love, I only regretted making love to that bastard. It was all gone. Next year I have to go through the same whole cycle again. A repeat student, what a nice name to call. Talk about strength, I felt so strong. I was determined to go through everything again. Suddenly I smiled. The road in front of me seemed very clear. After all these, what else was there to be afraid of? I had been through shit, what laid ahead of me cannot be as bad! Never mind the money to pay my tuition fees, I can give 10 hours tuition a week; never mind the examinations, I can battle with it again; never mind about love, I will find it one day; never mind about everything, everything will be alright, somehow.

... to be continued