THE days dragged on and I was dragged too. The road in front of me was no longer clear. I did not know what to do. Max was getting serious. His mails got bolder all the time, saying how he missed me and all. He said I was attractive and such a fine sight to see. Oh God! I was growing mad. Everytime I read his letters my heart would grow fonder. I found it ridiculous. I didn't really see him properly. We never talked face to face.
All this while AL had been so nice to me. Maybe because I was seeing AL so often that I began to take him for granted. He was always around whenever I needed him to, to talk to me, to take dinner with me and to send me home. The whole day had passed and AL was nowhere to be seen. He didn't even leave a mail telling me where he went to. The whole afternoon I felt sick. I realised then I missed AL! I started my crazy moods on P41, asking people if they had seen AL. But no, none had seen him around.
The hours passed so slowly. I missed my dinner. The sky grew dark. I never felt so lonely for such a long time. I logged off and made my way to the bus-stop. But I didn't walk far. AL was there, rushing up the stairs. I almost cried. He tucked at my arm lightly and led me down the stairs. I told him I had a headache. He sent me home.
I could not sleep. I tossed hither and thither. My head felt like bursting. Images of AL and MAX came bombarding my brain. Someone help me please. AL was the perfect boyfriend - suave, humourous, rich, smart, mature and everything. MAX was the mystery - handsome, romantic, cheeky and... I did not really know much about him. It was an obvious choice for me, AL was the man for me. He was so kind-hearted, his sweet words were so sincere. He would be the last man on earth to hurt me. MAX was an unknown. There were too many questions unanswered about him. He was just a fantasy. But I did not know why I could not bring myself to give in to AL. MAX always gave me a sort of funny indescribable feeling that was missing in AL. Now when I recalled how MAX looked like I began to shiver. I knew the answer. MAX's eyes was so similar to Dan's. Even the words he used, I recalled, seemed to have come from Dan. Oh!! That bastard still had such a hold on me. All this while Dan was always on my mind, only left in a corner to be left uncovered. And now he appeared in the form of Max! I was powerless. Someone please help me.
The strength I thought I had abandoned me. I seemed so helpless. I knew then I was doomed. I could feel that something terrible was going to happen.
Next morning AL picked me up and dropped me at science while he drove to engine to do his project. I seemed to be disinterested in the lectures. I tried to read my ECONS but nothing went in. It was already 11am and I hadn't logon. At last I could take it no more. I logged on.
AL was on too. I beeped him.
--> "**smooch**"
AL: "hi yin, smooch * 100000 back"
--> "i am so sian!!"
There was a long pause before the reply came.
AL: "Why sian? I cheer you up baby?"
--> "donno, just feel sian"
Again, there was a long pause.
AL: "Sorry yin, I have to run my programs, talk to you later, OK?"
--> "Ok lor .."
So, I was left alone again. But not for long.
MAX: "Yin Yin baby! I miss you!"
--> "HI max"
MAX: "**smoooch** **smooch**"
--> "smooch back!"
MAX: "Why are you in sclib? why no come to cenlib?"
--> "I got lecture in SCE wht"
MAX: "Ah see... I miss you a lot you know?"
--> "Is it? I donno"
MAX: "Wah, yin you so heartless..... *sob* *sob* "
--> "No crying little boy, I give u a sweet"
MAX: "I no want sweet, I want you!!"
--> "U wnt me come and get lor... hee hee"
MAX: "OK I come now... no run OK?"
--> "Ha ha, by the time u reach here I wld be gone"
MAX: "You so bad! Be careful, next time I see you I will strangle you
--> "Good lor, I waiting for tht day"
AL: "HI yin I am back"
MAX: "Tell me yin, when is your birthday?"
--> "No tell u"
AL: "Yin!! oi oi, this is AL"
--> "Ya AL, I am here "
MAX: "Tell leh, I give you a big present"
--> "No need lah, save ur money"
MAX: "You really don't want? No regrets?"
--> "Sure lah, u tink i so greedy for presents?"
MAX: "Not lah. But won't it be nice to receive presents?"
--> "It depends lah. If Boy friend give then happy else not very"
MAX: "Aiya, I'm your boy friend what! Isnt it yin yin baby?"
--> "NO!! U are not. I no have boy friend"
...
I did not know how long I flirted with Max. It must have been an hour or so. I had forgotten about AL. I thought he went to do his project again. Max was gone at last. I felt somewhat disappointed. I did a scan and AL was still on.
--> "Hello ...."
AL: "Yes?"
--> "Wht are u doing? ur project?"
AL: "Finish long time ago"
--> "Then why u no msg me?"
AL: "Don't want to disturb you. You are busy talking"
--> "AL! are you alright?"
AL: "I am alright. Just stared at an empty screen for an hour"
--> "Why????"
AL: "You never reply to me for an hour"
--> "I replied. But ur msgs were too infrequent. I tot u were
doing ur project so no disturb u"
AL: "Is it? You not talking with other guys?"
--> "I was talking with this strange guy for a while"
AL: "An hour is a while?"
--> "No lah, whr got an hour. Just a few minutes"
AL: "Then what you doing?"
--> "Nothing much lah, just talk lor.. doggy, macho they all were on"
...
We did not talk much. He came to send me home. I dared not look at him. His eyes were so still and face black. I felt so bad about bluffing him but I had no choice. It was so stupid of me to have talk so much nonsense with Max. I really felt so bad. AL was such a nice guy. How could I do such a thing to him? I almost wanted to slap myself. All the while in the car he didn't talk. At the door of my house, he just forced a 'bye' out of his mouth. I knew I was stupid to bluff him. He was so smart, surely he knew that I was bluffing him. I knew I hurt him and yet I could not bring myself to tell him that I was 'flirting' with Max! How could I? I like AL a lot, I did not want to lose him yet, even as a friend. How about Max? I really did not know what to do.
I called AL and told him not to fetch me the next day. I told him I needed to rest. He just answered reluctantly and hung up the phone as soon as I said bye. I cried. I did not know what I was doing. And I did not know what I should do.
I worked up very early. I told myself I had to go campus and settle with AL. I just couldn't let him be so angry with me. I reached campus very early and decided to write him a mail.
Dearest AL,
I am so sorry about everything. I know I let you down. Please forgive me. If there is anything I can do to make you smile again, I will do it. Take care of yourself. Your health is the most important. Please do not be angry. I am sorry.
luv,
After I had sent the mail to him I just stared at the screen. I did not know how many minutes had passed.
AL: "Hi yin..."
--> "AL.. HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SMOOCH***********"
AL: "How are you?"
--> "I am fine! *smooch*.. u are smiling again"
AL: "Yeap... I am like that... won't be angry for long.. hee"
--> "Good..."
AL: "You know one thing?"
--> "Wht?"
AL: "That why I was so angry last night?"
--> "I know.. it was all my fault"
AL: "No.. you don't know.. it is because .."
--> "Wht? Don't keep me in suspense"
AL: "Because I like you a lot"
--> "m...... AL... I like you too, you know?"
AL: "I know!!"
--> "But ..."
AL: "But what?? Isnt this great? Wow, the world is so beautiful"
--> "Al, I am scared. Give me sometime OK?"
AL: "Why scared?"
--> "I am really scared about falling in love again ..."
AL: "You had a bad experience?"
--> "Yeap, give me time OK?"
AL: "OK..no problem.. I'll wait for you.. hee hee"
--> "Thnks... you are so good to me..."
AL: "You come again ...."
........
My day somewhat brightened. It was as if a rock had been lifted from my heart. At long last I told him I liked him. The world seemed clear now. That wasn't any choice for me now. But I was still terrified. I did not have the courage to fall into love just like that. I needed space and time to breathe and think about my relationship with AL. I wanted to be sure that I really love him. Maybe I was still thinking of Max? I must be crazy. Max was just a passing fad. I should not think about him. But I could not! Images of him kept flooding in. There was no escape. I was trapped.
... to be continued