IT was a friday. AL was away the whole day. He said he had a friend coming from Australia. I had a long day in front of me. I had just finished another essay. After submitting I went to co-op to look around. There was nothing interesting. I had to do it, I had to logon.

I had not been to cenlib for a while but it was still the same. Luck was with me, I only sat at the sofa for 5 minutes before a terminal became available. So, I was lost again in the world of P41. I did not know how quickly time passed. I was too engrossed. But it was not to be a peaceful day. There was a tap on the shoulder. I turned around. Max was behind me, smiling.

"Hi yin, so free today?"

"Ya, quite free. Just finish essay."

He was quite close to me and I could see him clearly now. He was more handsome than what I perceived him to be. His curly hair was cute.

"Yin, care to join me for lunch?"

I looked at my watch. It was already 2pm! I was hungry.

"Sure, why not. Where?"

"Let's go to arts?"

"OK."

We had a quiet lunch. He was much more quiet in real person than on the computer. Minutes dragged on. The afternoon wind was strong. I gazed out and I could see the sea. I gave a sigh.

"Yin, you like the sea?"

I just nodded my head.

"Then why are we here? Let's go."

"Where are you..."

He did not allow me to finish my sentence. He pulled me up. I had to follow in double quick steps behind him.

He had a bike! (Oh No!! Same as DAN). I was on the road again ON THE bike. I did not know how I felt. It was such a long time that I had been on a bike. I missed the cutting wind! He was going fast. I had to hug him. I could feel his body. Oh NO!! I would not allow history to repeat itself.

The same old place! Fate must had been too cruel to me. Images of Dan came floating back. I remembered how on our first date he kissed me. And I remembered the last time I saw him, when he told me he was going with another girl. I was speechless.

"Oi, what happen to you? Dumbfounded by the beauty?"

I just shook my head and gazed out to the sea. I felt so painful. My heart was wrenching. I swallowed my tears, refused to let it flow. And Max brought me back to life.

"Oi oi", he shook my shoulder.

"Oh, what?"

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing."

I looked at Max again. I really wanted to cry and tell him all about my past. His eyes were so similar to Dan's, so beautiful. I looked at him again. His imploring eyes as if telling me to reveal my secrets. I just couldn't control myself anymore. I rushed into him and cried on his shoulder. He held me lightly and let me cry.

I stopped and looked up at him. He cleaned my face and held up my chin. I thought I was dreaming, I thought I saw Dan in front of me. I was shaken alive by his wet lips. They were on mine. I pushed him away.

I walked away from him towards the bench. I sat on it. He came too to sit beside me. I started to mumble, I started to recount my past with Dan. He sat there quietly, listening intently. Slowly, he had his arms round me. I felt safe. I felt as if his strong arms were my protector. I had forgotten all about AL. What was on my mind was Dan and this Max was his replacement. It was all too crazy. I was in a trance. I did not know how long he held me like that but at long last I seemed to be sober again.

I shrugged off gently his arms. He smiled at me. I said I wanted to go home. He nodded his head. He sent me home.

I reached home tired to the bones. I did not even wash up. I laid on the bed. I fell asleep. In my dreams things were beautiful. Max were so nice to me. I had already stayed away from AL. Max was all that mattered. We met everyday, we hugged everyday, we kissed everyday. And slowly and slowly, we became closer and closer. Max brought me to a remote island. There we rolled and kissed under the clear moonlight. His hands were driving me crazy. He started to undress me. I saw him coming for me, driving into me. At the moment Max changed to Dan and I saw him driving hard into me. I screamed and tried to kick him away.

I woke up. It was way past midnight. Outside the room the moonlight was shining. Inside the room I was crying. I did not know if I can live to see the sun rise.

I did not have much time to waste. Examinations were just around the corner. I knew that if i failed again, I would be be marching out of the university in disgrace. I couldn't even imagine what my mother would say. I knew I had to pull myself together. I had to put Max and AL aside for the time being.

I forced myself to study and surprising I was doing serious work. Max disappeared. I did not know where he went to. I called him once or twice but his number changed. I did not have time to worry too much. I needed to study badly. AL was always around when I needed him. He was quieter but all the same so awfully nice to me. He didn't push me about our relationship, he seemed contented to be a friend.

Examinations were over. I was relieved. Days and nights became empty again. AL had found himself a job. And Max? I did not hear from him since that day. I was seeing less of AL and even when I saw him he seemed restless. He seemed to have changed. I could not stand it any longer. I asked him out for dinner.

"AL, how are you. How is your work?"

"Ok fine. But pretty busy."

"Why are you avoiding me all these while?"

"I don't have. I am just busy."

"Really? Come out of it AL. You know I have great respect for you. Say out what you want to say."

"I really donno how to say."

"Come on be a man... say it."

"Well, I just don't want to come between you and Max."

"What are you talking?"

"I am talking about MAX! I know him, he was my JC classmate."

"Oh NO!!"

"I had seen him. He was boasting to me about his latest conquest. I thought who could that be. Never thought it could be you."

"AL, please... there is nothing between me and Max."

"Yin, I am not a kid. He described in great detail OK. You went to West Coast with him?"

"Ya... quite long ago."

"He kissed you, no? He hugged you, no?"

"AL, please... It is so hard to explain."

"You don't have to explain. You are not my anybody. We had not been committed to each other yet. You can do what you please."

"Al, really, there is nothing between us!"

"Oh, really? Why must you always bluff me? This is not the first time, OK."

"Come on AL, I am not that sort of woman. I never cheated your feelings."

"Nevermind... whatever will be will be."

"AL... please."

"Yin, and for your information Max always had a steady girlfriend. They will be married soon after he settled down to his job."

"Hmmmm..."

"It is not that I want to spoil your relationship with him for my own self-interest. I have you in my heart. Whatever happen I won't want you to be cheated."

"Al... really believe me... there is nothing between us."

"OK I believe you. But you please be careful next time."

"I will... You forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive. You have not wronged me. As I said we are not committed yet."

"AL... you are so kind... I don't know what to say."

"Don't be stupid. Whatever happen I am always your friend."

"Thanks AL!!!"

IT was so boring. I was too lazy to find a job. One more year to go and I would be out of the university. Al was still very nice to me but somehow it seemed different. My feelings for him was not as intense as I thought I was capable of. I still missed him when he wasn't around, but I was still able to do my things. I found it so hard to fault him and yet I could not bring myself to say that I love him deeply. Maybe it was the way he treated me. He was too nice to me.

My feelings towards Max was different. Anger swelled up in me. That idiot took me for a ride. If he didn't come into the picture I would probably had gone steady with Al. And he changed his phone number too, that idiot. But beyond this thin veil of hatred there was still some unknown. Somehow I had a soft spot for him. Maybe his resemblance to Dan had something to do with it, but I could not bring myself to really condemn him. When I thought of that afternoon my heart grew fonder. I was crazy that afternoon, but he was such a nice listener and comforter. The way he held me, I could still remember. His wet lips... Oh no! I was crazy again. How could I have such thoughts? He was a bastard, remember? I should run away from him.

A year gone. A chapter of my life closed. One year ago, I was a shattered being, one year later, how about me? I did not know if I had improved my situation. On the surface everything seemed alright - I passed my examinations, I had a good friend, I was not pregnant, I had enough money to last me another year. But in reality? I felt so empty. My life was one of emptiness. I was so clumpsy at love. Such a good man was before me and yet I let it slipped away. I needed to have my head examined. Maybe my bad experience with Dan was the main culprit. I was so afraid of loving again. But Al couldn't have hurt me, could he? I wouldn't know. If I had known Al before Dan everything would be perfect but... My past clinged to me tightly, refused to set me free. Now and then yesterday's echoes would flash before me. It followed me like a ghost. I was dazed and confused.

Life is meaningless... The future is so uncertain, the present so transient and the past???

... to be continued